i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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