Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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