We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
