You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
