I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
false alarm, still single
Randomize