I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
