If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
