it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
