Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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