what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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