i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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