Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
