Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
