Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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