Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
