By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
