so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
