so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
