Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
