And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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