im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have aggressive nipples.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
