oh god the rape fog is back!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
