my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
