Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
