saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
40s are totally the cure
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
