Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
FUCK WHALES
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
