can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
