so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
