you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
