maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I need to align my fucking chakras
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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