apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
