Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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