it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
