Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
