No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
