that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I have already put on my inside pants.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
what the fuck happened to the tacos
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
