i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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