I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sober January is a disaster.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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