theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
