I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
