OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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