I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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