What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
