Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
