...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Vodka?
Forever.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
