I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
