Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
