3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
