Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
