Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
